For parents dealing with the daunting task
of parenting (and for kids going through it).
Okay, so all latino kids know what it’s like to be raised by latino parents; and we all know how exhausting and great it is to be raised by them. Thus, latino parents know what it’s like to raise latino kids; and we all know how stubborn and great these kids are. I am one of them.
Being raised in Latin America is one of the best and most frustrating experiences you’ll ever go through – especially being an out-of-the-closet atheist. Because you see, there is basically no separation from church and state, in the sense of your education, both in the house and in school. And since there is relatively no separation, the conservative nature of religion – specifically Catholicism (in the experience of just about every latino ever) – is spread out throughout your life and education.
So as we all know, through Judeo-Christian culture, Adam and Eve were the first humans God created until Eve screwed up and passed down the original sin to every single human ever – which is why we have to be baptized: because that tiny, holy shower you give the kid washes away that stain of the original sin – although for some reason, most men think that women are still inherently sinful despite the fact that WE WERE ALL BAPTIZED. From that initial religion-based bias that people have against women, that has spread throughout our culture, our education starts.
Admittedly a lot of latinas are becoming more feministas, which helps the education of kids a LOT, kind of balancing out the male bias of the latino father. But the religious aspect of our culture is still a pervasive aspect of kids’ education – and don’t I know it, affecting our education on feminine and masculine ideals, as well as our own spirituality.
And so, here comes the first request: please don’t impose your religion on your kid. Try to teach them about your choice in religion as much as you can, without forcing them to follow it. Present your kids with as many religions as you can and let them choose. If they do end up choosing the one you follow, it will be so much more satisfying than just giving them no choice, since they willingly hold the same beliefs you do. And if they don’t end up following your beliefs, don’t freak out, please; it definitely won’t help your case, believe me. Remember the whole “stubborn latinos”? Reverse psychology is a real thing. If you push too much, they’ll definitely take the opposite path than the one you want them to take.
And niños, if your parents are relentless about it, the best thing I can tell you is that, if you want your abuela to freak out – and she definitely will if you come out as something other than Catholic, don’t come out of the closet as whatever your beliefs label you as. But then again, would you rather be dragged to misa every Sunday, without giving a shit about what the old man up front is saying and your parents not knowing that you don’t actually give two shits about church? If you do come out, try to do it as calmly as possible, no matter your parents reaction, I promise – from previous experience – that yelling doesn’t work, for either side of the argument.
Parenting is already hard enough, that whole balance between being friends with your kids (because of course you want them to trust you and talk to you about their lives), and being the parent who creates and enforces the rules. Don’t make it harder on yourself – and your kid – by imposing your religion on them and trying to make them believe something that they might not believe in, I promise it won’t take your relationship anywhere pretty.
The second request goes as follows: We all know how la cultura latina is machista; there is no going around it, and whether we want to admit it or not, a part of that machismo comes from Catholicism and the church’s system that goes with it. And so those centuries-old concepts that we have of ser un hombre y una señorita are definitely something that your kids don’t need hanging over their heads when they’re growing up. Try to explain to them, as much as you can, what the world expects from a guy and a girl, and let them choose what they want to be like; let their personalities develop as they will – in this regard – without forcing them into an hombre-shaped box or a señorita-shaped box.
If you’re a girl, and one of your parents says “Una señorita no se comporta/habla así,” the best and classic response is basically, “me chupa un huevo” (I don’t give a shit), and if you can, do it in a sing-song voice. Disney princesses sing, right? If they want you to be a princesa, that’s probably as close as you’re going to get, if you don’t really give a shit about the concept. I don’t.
If you’re a guy, and you’re not actually athletic – meaning, you don’t play fútbol, because that’s Latin America’s sport – but your parents keep pushing you about being pezoca (a big, fit guy), fuck it, man. You don’t need to listen to that crap. If soccer is not in your talents, then show them what your real talents are.
Just remember to love your kid as they are, not just the expectations and image you created for them in your head, because as much as they were your baby, they become their own person, and you need to accept that. Even if it is so hard, it seems impossible. They can’t live for you; they have to live for themselves, and your expectations for them are always going to be hanging over their head, regardless of whether you’re aware of that fact or not.
The third request goes hand in hand with the second one: We all know the expectations for how latinas and latinos are supposed to look. Latinas are mostly expected to have that hourglass figure that we see so prominently in Shakira and J-Lo and all the other very famous latinas. Latinos are expected to be pezocas, i.e. fit as fuck. In short, latinos are all expected to have perpetual beach bodies. Fuck that. That’s not reality. Not at all. Of course, since those are our standards of beauty, you want your kids to definitely fit into the categories of beach latinos, but don’t force them into it. Teach them about health and its relationship to food and lifestyle and about the reality of the expectations for men and women’s aesthetics and let them do with that information what they will. Try to keep your opinion on their choices mostly to themselves, but especially when you notice that you’re being pushy. Remember: reverse psychology is a thing.
Kids, honestly, the only thing you need to remember: You do you. Your parents have lived their lives; don’t let them live through you. It is YOUR life, NOT theirs. You cannot forget that, ever. Your parents expectations for you, if you let them, will consume you. Trust me. Don’t let your parents fill your head with their ideas and attempts to fit you into their little box for you. But don’t rebel in silence, it doesn’t work if they don’t know what they’re doing wrong, or what they’re doing that doesn’t work with you. You need to talk to them, to be able to maintain your relationship with your parents in a healthy spot, without letting your possible resentment and their expectations eat away at it.
And so, we’ve come to a point where we can boil down all of these petitions in the way of parenting to: DON’T IMPOSE YOURSELF ON YOUR KID. Give them as much independence as you are able. We are all tied down to our loved ones, in one way or another, and your kid has a leash that you are holding on to, until he/she is old enough to make decisions for themselves. Loosen your hold on their leash when they begin to do so. Make the leash longer as they grow, and never, if you can avoid it, pull too much or too hard. If you do, listen to your kid when they tell you, when they talk to you, don’t ever brush them off; it’s hard for them to talk to you about these things, don’t make it harder by making it seem like you don’t give a shit. The relationship between a kid and their parent is a delicate one that depends on a precarious balance. It is a relationship where there should be enough trust for communication and for the kid to respect you and not act like a little pendejo towards you – which is what will happen if the leash is commandeered from them.
During la terrible pubertad, it will be second nature to be a pendejo/a to your parents. Try not to. As much as it feels like they are being dicks, (and they probably, are, just a little bit), don’t take it personally. They are always going to try to do what they believe is best for you. And if their way of doing so doesn’t work with you, your personality, your beliefs, etc., then let them know. They will never change, or attempt to change if they don’t know that they’re doing wrong. If they don’t listen, that’s their problem, and you have a free pass to be a little shit. Always think about you and your relationship with them. Never forget that even though you may be fighting, after every single one, they will still be there for you, in their own way.
And for both parties involved (parent and kid) just remember that we are all human and we all make mistakes, just don’t make the same mistakes over and over again, because then we are all just idiots, and I don’t think any of us want that label hanging over our heads. Parents, listen to your kids and give them as much independence as you can bear so that they have their own space in which to grow and don’t resent you for a lack of freedom later. Pendejos, talk to your parents, don’t be dicks (as much as possible), and try to curb the puberty- induced attitude.
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